star wars humor

From: Per I. Mathisen (
Date: 22-05-02

CORUSCANT-Presiding over a memorial service commemorating the victims of
the attack on the Death Star, the Emperor declared that while recent
victories over the Rebel Alliance were "encouraging, the War on Terror is
not over yet."

"We will continue to fight these terrorists, and the rogue governments who
harbor them, until the universe is safe, once and for all, and the
security of the Neo-New Cosmic Order ensured."

It was one year ago today that the Death Star, perhaps the greatest symbol
of the Empire's might, was destroyed in an attack by fanatic Rebels, who
used small, single-person crafts to infiltrate seemingly impenetrable
defenses. Thousands of mourners were on hand to remember and pay tribute
to the victims and their families.

"We lost our innocence that day," reflected one mourner. "I guess we
thought we were immune from the kind of violence that happens in other
galaxies. We were wrong."

"I lost hundreds of buddies that day," said one teary-eyed Stormtrooper.
"Guys whose only crime was trying make the Universe a safer place."
Although the day was colored by sadness, the mourners found some relief in
the news of a decisive victory over the Rebels.

In an attack led by Darth Vader, Empire forces were able to rout hundreds
of Rebels from a network of caves underneath the surface of the planet
Hoth. "We're not sure we got them all," says a Vader spokesman. "There are
a lot of places to hide in those caves. But we've delivered a powerful
blow to the terrorist's infrastructure, that's for sure. Today, the Empire
has struck back."

Initial reports are unclear as to the fate of Luke Skywalker, a hero among
the Rebels, who is rumored to have delivered the fatal blow to the Death
Star. Skywalker, a former desert-dweller from the planet Tattooine, became
a part of the Rebellion after family members were killed. Skywalker was
trained by a militant wing of the Rebels, known as "Jedi Knights."
Fanatical in their religious beliefs, the Jedi Knights claim to derive
their power from the mystical "Force."

It's believed that Skywalker was specifically trained by infamous
terrorist O bin Wankanobi. Wankanobi, occasionally called "Ben" and easily
recognized by his bearded visage and long, flowing robes, achieved
near-martyr status among the Rebels after his death last year during a spy
mission. His more fervent followers believe that Wankanobi lives on within
them today, some even claiming to hear his voice during times of duress.

The attack on the Death Star came shortly after the Empire's destruction
of Alderstaan, a planet whose government was known to harbor terrorists.
Responding to criticism over the total annihilation of the planet, Vader
stated, "There is no middle ground in the War on Terror. Those who harbor
terrorists are terrorists themselves. Alderaan was issued ample warning.
The fight for continuing Freedom is often burdened by terrible cost." The
cost of this war can still be seen today in the continuing efforts to
build a coalition government on Tattooine. Longstanding animosities among
the planets various ethnic groups, including the Jawas, Tusken Raiders and
scattered human settlers, have been an impediment to the peace process.
The Empire continues to maintain a small peace keeping force until a
provisional government is finally in place.

Much of the difficulty in fighting the Rebel forces stems from their lack
of a central organizing structure. "They don't play by the traditional
rules of war," complained one spokesman. "They come in all shapes and
sizes, united only by their single-minded desire to destroy the Empire
before it destroys them."

The Emperor closed his comments today by stating that "the cowardly attack
n the Death Star left a deep scar on the Empire. However, we will not stop
fighting until every last evildoer has been brought to justice." He paused
for several moments, wiping away a tear and then added with determination,
"We will never forget."

"I wish we could all just get along," said one of the mourners. "But it's
hard to offer an olive branch to a cult of religious fanatics whose main
tool is violence and who insist on calling us the Dark Side."

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